God Says: "Give me 10 more Crunches, Maggot"

I have been hearing about religious exercise classes for a while now. But I never had seen results justifying the concept of combing prayer and pilates. Feast your eyes on the pictures above. The power of the spirit compels you to put that Double Whopper down and pick up a copy of the good book.

Pat Robertson: Someone Still Listens to Him

This story is priceless. If you are asking yourself WWPD? (What Would Pat Do)Pat is calling for the assassination of the President of Venezuela. Nevermind, that it is against the law to assassinate the elected leader of a country. According to the story, Robertson believes the US needs to "to stop his country from becoming "a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism." According to the CIA, Venezuela is 96% Roman Catholic. 2% Protestant.

Robertson used his television show, the 700 club to launch his verbal assault. US government officials have been tracking thousands of heavily armed Little Rascal power scooters headed towards Venezuela.

Meet Kansas Board of Education Member John Bacon

The member of the Bacon family you don't know. John Bacon had nothing to do with the movie Tremors. But if he has his way, your town will be devoid of firewater and dancing just like in Kevin Bacon's Footloose.

You have to feel for Bacon. This condescending ass dumpling appeared on The Lou Dobbs Report yesterday and tried to promote the introduction of Intelligent Design into the classrooms as a way of "discussing controversy in the classroom" and carrying out the bidding of the people he represents. Dobbs tore tore him up like a box of Sudafed at a meth lab.

Here's a line or two from his official bio "John earned his Bachelor's degree in accounting from Mid- America Nazarene University in 1985 and is now self-employed as a certified public accountant. John is a member of the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants. He and his wife, Melanie, have been married for 19 years and have three children. masfosafisafahnsffdf, excuse me, I fell asleep while typing. It seems John left out the fact that he was voted "Most Likely to Be The Virgin Mary's Douche bag" in his high school yearbook.

D.O.A.P.O.W. Week Winner #2 - Cobb County Board of Education

Congratulations, Cobb County, GA! This sticker you voted to be put on all textbooks was a stroke of genius. It was so well written that a Federal Court judge got carpal tunnel in writing the reasons it needs to be removed.

On the 16th of August Beebe High School science teacher Jeff Wisdom, 25, got to earn his paycheck by tearing pages out of chemistry textbooks in preparation for the first day of class. The best part of this story is that the CHEMISTRY textbook didn't even discuss intelligent design or evolution.

According to the article linked above, "although the stickers begin, "This textbook discusses evolution, a controversial theory...," Wisdom said that was simply not the case. Wisdom said that neither evolution or the concept of an intelligent designer, both of which are discussed in the sticker, appear in his chemistry textbooks.

"The only thing that's ever going to bring up evolution in my classroom is the sticker," Wisdom said. "It's the only place [in the textbook] where evolution is mentioned."

I want to create a square black sticker featuring a large white "A" on it. Underneath the "A" would be the phrase "Asswipe Bible Thumper." I could then visit the Cobb County BOE parking lot and plaster them on the member's cars. Unfortunately, they would probably cover my sticker with the Evolution stickers they are busy removing from their English books.

Today's Kansas Board of Education Member - Mrs. Kathy Martin

STATE BOARD DISTRICT 6 is proud to present Mrs. Kathy Martin! Kathy has been involved in 4-H leadership, Clay County Fair Board, Farm Bureau committees, and saddle club leadership at the local, state and national levels.

Kathy belongs to Sts. Peter and Paul Catholic Church in Clay Center, where she has served as Parish Council Chairperson, C.Y.O. Sponsor, and is a Eucharistic Minister and Lector. She and her husband, Max, have been married for over 35 years, and have 3 daughters and 8 grandchildren. They reside on, and operate, a diversified farming operation in southeast Clay County.

Isn't it great to see that her mind isn't cluttered by science? It would be a shame to pollute all of those Church responsibilities with as much as a subscription to Journal Information for Organization Science. Who the hell am I kidding? I can tell by looking at her that the V-chip in her TV is working overtime to block the Discovery Channel.

The Onion Examines "Intelligent Falling Theory"

Snaps to the Onion for their story entitled "Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New "Intelligent Falling Theory."

Today's Kansas Board of Education Member - Mrs. Connie Morris

Meet Connie Morris. Connie and her husband Kelly farm and ranch and own a plumbing business in St. Francis where they have resided for 12 years. Rather than have any confusion over Connie's upstanding background, I thought it would be best for us to just use a paragraph from her BOE profile page.

"Connie has served on numerous school committees and was a member of the Kansas Behavioral Science Regulatory Board appointed by Governor Graves. Her autobiography, From the Darkness: One Woman’s Rise to Nobility, has been published by Huntington House Publishers. The book is Connie’s story of recovery through Christ from incest, rape, domestic violence, substance abuse, and poverty during her early years in the Appalachian Mountains region."

In her spare time, Connie spends a lot of time by herself thinking about the good old days growing up in the Appalachianan Mountains, playing with her 19 brothers and sisters on the swing set/washing machine combo in the front yard. Connie also spends a lot of time crying and pointing on a doll where her daddy touched her.

Contestant #4 for D.O.A.P.O.W. Week 2

Meet Paula Homes of Painesville, OH. Paula, pictured here in her lavish mobile home, believes that she has an ultrasound picture of her granddaughter that "may have been sent from Heaven." She says if you turn it upside down, you can see the face of Jesus in the pre-birth image. It's worth noting that her granddaughter is now four years old and she still has this picture hanging on her wall.

It's also worth noting that Paula fails to mention that if you turn the picture on its side, no...its other side...that the image looks strangely similar to the picture she told people last year had an image of a Yetti and Mickey Dolenz playing pool.

For more information about Paula and even more pictures from her ultrasound collection, please visit wkyc.com.

Contestant #3 for D.O.A.P.O.W. Week

Five Minutes with Carl Everett...is more than you'll really ever need. What follows is a brif excerpt from an article on CNNSI.com.

Carl Everett is a man of conviction. As an Apostolic Christian, he believes that the Bible, interpreted literally, is the infallible authority on all matters. As the cocksure centerfielder for the Boston Red Sox he believes in taking on pitchers and questions alike with the same absolute assuredness. The man plays and talks with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. Just ask.

Interleague play? "Don't like it," Everett responds. "They only have it because of two teams [the New York Mets and the New York Yankees]. It's all about the money." Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter? "Not a star." The Mets, one of his former teams? "All those [management] people are hypocrites and idiots." The Atlanta Braves' starting pitchers? "You can run on them all day." Big cities? "Hate 'em. I need space." American League baseball? "Boring." Dinosaurs? "Didn't exist."

Uh, come again?

"God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve," Everett said last Friday, before the Red Sox lost two of three in Atlanta. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex."

What about dinosaur bones?

"Made by man," he says.

BTW, Carl also believes that Wrigley Field needs to be "imploded."

I have nothing to add, except a link to fivesevenfive.com, where they have listed some very nice haikus about Carl.

Today's Kansas Board of Education Member - Mrs. Iris Van Meter

As they say in the Barrio, Iris Van Meter is one crazy biatch. An ardent Republican, she and her husband raise a variety of fruits and vegetables, which they sell from a market located on their farm. Iris graduated from Kentucky Mountain Bible College in 1956 with a degree in Christian Education.

That's about as far as I got in her bio. She is obviously more than qualified to serve on the Board of Education for a state.

Drop Iris a line at vanmeter@terraworld.net. I am sure she would like you to stop by and sample her produce. Don't forget to remind her to rent a copy of Inherit the Wind from Blockbuster. Since the movie is PG rated, it's safe for the whole family and it's still available on VHS. Remember, DVD is the tool of the Devil!

Spotlight on The Kansas Board of Education

By now you have seen that the State Board of Education in Kansas has approved new science standards that include increasing criticism of the theory of evolution. The final vote was 6-4 in favor of the new curriculum which was advocated by supporters of the theory of 'intelligent design.'

Rather than take this space to bash the Board, I thought it might be more useful if we used the space to highlight one of the board members each day. So, for the next few days, you will find a link to a different BOE member, until we are all done with them. Take a minute to read their amazing bios. Checkout their ardent religious backgrounds, staunch Republican support, and in one case, a members' story "of recovery through Christ from incest, rape, domestic violence, substance abuse, and poverty during her early years in the Appalachian Mountains region."

While you are at the site, I urge you to send them an email. If you have some time, send them a link to the Scopes Monkey Trial. Sure it happened over 80 years ago, but news travels slow in Kansas.

Contestant #2 for D.O.A.P.O.W. Week #2

Congratulations Lisa Quinn! You are in the running for our Person of the week for week #2! For years the nation had to listen to people like you tell us what we should be letting our children watch on TV. That video games and music need to be lapelled and that the fluoride the government is putting in our water will help them control our minds. Actually, your last point make sense... but anyway, it's time for the few of us that take our meds in the morning to point at you and say a big collective "Holy Fucking Shit, That Bitch is Crazy!"

The Baltimore Sun recently ran a story on people who see religious messages from god on everyday items, like a side of toast. Lisa was lucky enough to be featured in the article. Here's a snippet in case you missed it and don't want to commit to the link put above. "Lisa Quinn was just about to scrape the skillet clean when the odd-shaped bit of half-cooked pancake caught her eye.

Just the night before, the Harford County woman had asked her boys to get out of bed and onto the floor to say their prayers properly. Now her eyes widened at the uncanny rendering of a kneeling figure - hands folded, head bowed, mouth forming a little 'O' - in the semi-cooked clump of Aunt Jemima pancake batter.

To Quinn, whose family had begun to worship in a nondenominational church in Joppa months earlier, the image was an affirmation from on high.

"I think it's definitely a sign," says the 34-year-old mother of three, nodding at the three-week-old artifact that rests next to a porcelain angel atop her bedroom dresser. "As much as we've brought the Lord into our lives the last couple of months, I think it's a miracle."

Later in the article one is confronted with this gem of a passage "Ben Cachiaras, the Quinns' pastor at Mountain Christian, says God reveals himself in several ways: in Scripture and in Jesus, in the changes he works in the lives of his believers and in the good they do in the world.

"For all I know, God is sending out signs in pancakes and grilled-cheese sandwiches," Cachiaras says. "I have no doubt he could, if he wanted to."

That's right, God has decided that all of our current mediums of communication are too mundane and commercial. So he has decided to communicate like any other super human power would, through pancake batter and grilled-cheese sandwiches. I just checked the voice mail on my Cheeze-its, no messages from the Lord...yet.

It's easy to write that last paragraph. Unfortunately, about the time I got to the words "no messages," I realized that these folks have taken control of our country. They have organized in a fashion that most of us never thought possible and that as long as we remain unorganized, the visions they see in toppings on their pizza bites will be dictating the way our government works. "Wow, if I didn't know better, I would swear those pepperoni slices looked like.. oh my god...that's criminal. We need to get these things banned immediately."

Contestant #1 for D.O.A.P.O.W. Week #2

Chuck Donovan, the Executive Vice President for Family Research Council, is a writer, editor, and policy consultant with three decades of experience in the national debates over the sanctity of life, family issues, and a wide range of other public policy topics.

Chuck also seems to think that his interpretation of the Bible trumps any constitutional laws or thoughts you and I might have. You see, Chuck is also the lead dog at Justice Sunday. Unfortunately for most people, Justice Sunday does not involve steel cage matches or any type of wrestling. Instead it does allow ethically bankrupt folks like Tom Delay yet another opportunity to reach 79 million people to take one more shot at those that won't roll over for him and give him their last dollar. Just look at how Tom and his buddies stood for justice when they "helped" and Indian tribe. If Tom Delay and Bill Frist had their way, every funeral home in America would go out of business and life support machines would be sold at Home Depot.

Justice Sunday II also featured a country artist named Jett Williams. Jett is the illegitimate daughter of Hank Williams. Interestingly enough, Justice Sunday takes shots at what the organization dubs "arrogant judges." Aside from sweet paying gigs like Justice Sunday II, how does Jett afford to keep herself knee deep in Sedgefield jeans and Skoal Bandits? Well, according to her own web site, Jett fought through the court system (all the way to the Supreme Court) to make herself the heir to all of Hank's music. Interesting. I guess it is ok for the courts to find in favor of someone this group likes.

I have to go now to take a shower. All of this "justice" is making me feel dirty.

Person of the Week

This being our first week of existence, we have to give mad props to Mike Zovath, Vice President of Museum Operations at the Creation Museum located in, you can't make this stuff up, Kentucky.


You see, Mike and his team of "scientists" have set out to create a museum that will "proclaim to the world that the Bible is the supreme authority in all matters of faith and practice and in every area it touches on." This broad statement seems harmless enough, but when you start to dig into things a bit, Mike and his group of hacks believe that dinosaurs were on Noah's Ark and that the ark actually sailed in what is now the Grand Canyon.

Unfortunately, while they are still working on it, Mike's team cannot yet explain:
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Jason Alexander
Sandra Bernhard
Why I can't download this on iTunes.